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Turning a complete stranger into a date, then a lover, then a soul mate, is one of the most incredible and satisfying things you can experience. It’s that first step, however, that is usually the most difficult one. It is also one that you’ll sometimes never even attempt, let alone succeed at.
That person you see who you find physically attractive, could be “the one”, but in your shyness, your fear of rejection, they remain the stranger. Then, yet another one slips through your fingertips, never to be seen again. To avoid this, there is only one solution. You must be take action. Here’s something that may come as a shock to you.
They will not come to you.
Your life is not a movie. You can’t “leave it to fate”. This is your life and you’re creating it one day at a time. OK, things can happen by chance, occasionally, but having this attitude with finding the right lover could leave you a lonely old person. You must make the connection, nobody else is going to do it for you.
When you see someone you like, you must act on it in a heartbeat. We live in a fiercely competitive world. One millisecond of hesitation is all it takes for someone else to jump in there, or some outside event to make it impossible, or for them to simply disappear. Don’t sit there and think about it – get up and do it now. Those who have been in the dating game long enough will know the slogan:
“He who hesitates, masturbates.”
Enter Their World
That said, you must bear in mind one important factor when approaching someone you find attractive. Their mind will be elsewhere. Firstly, they may be in the middle of something. Approaching them when it’s inconvenient for them to speak will definitely be counter-productive to your efforts. Make sure you’re able to get their full attention or you will find yourself in quite an awkward situation.
Even if they’re not busy, their mind will definitely be elsewhere. The only exception to this is when you catch eye contact, and there is real chemistry there. This is rare, so bare in mind that the person you’re approaching will find your advances break their current train of thought.
This is important, because many people give up too early. They take the first response as hostile or disinterested, and they apologize for disturbing while running away with their tail between their legs. When you first approach and talk to someone, you have to give them a moment to readjust themselves to the fact that you’re talking to them.
If you’re a man approaching a woman you must also remember, especially if she is very attractive, that she has most likely had her share of cheesy chat-up lines and sleazy advances. This may also result in her giving you a hostile reception. Don’t fall into the trap that many men do and assume she’s a hard nose, and out of your league. She has just developed her own natural defense system against sleaze bags. You just have to prove to her that you’re worthy of getting through this barrier.
Now we’ve got the approach covered, what about the actual interaction?
When you meet someone for the first time, and you find them attractive, many people tend to put them on a higher pedestal than themselves. They look up to them because they want their approval. This is why people get nervous and can’t be themselves around someone they find attractive.
Did you ever notice it was easier to chat to someone of the opposite sex (or same sex if you’re gay) if you didn’t find them attractive? You may even have inadvertently made that person attracted to you. This is because you were talking to them on the same level as yourself. You didn’t put them up on some imaginary pedestal. You were just trying to be friendly.
It’s this approach that you have to work on bringing to your potential dates. Pretend you’ve known them for years. Don’t get caught up in clichés like telling them they’re really attractive and “would they like to go out for a date” – not yet anyway. Just talk to them like you would your friends.
Don’t be sleazy or cheesy. Be confident, fun, and interesting. Be original and creative. Body language is extremely important. Be aware of your posture and maintain as much eye contact as possible without starring. This is a great way to increase the chemistry between you.
You could even shake their hand if possible. It might sound a little odd but by touching them, you break down an imaginary barrier between you instantly. A man kissing a woman’s hand is an underused thing these days, but don’t think that it’s too “old fashioned” for you.
She might find it sweet and it may even excite her. Even if she finds it funny, there’s one thing you can be sure of – you’ll stand out against all the rest! Don’t forget the eye contact when you do it!
Relax! This is the most important thing you can do. By relaxing you will talk to them in a more casual fashion, and you will instantly take away any tension there may be. They will enjoy talking to you a lot more, and you’ll enjoy it more too.
Be genuine. Be yourself and let your personality shine through. If they don’t like the real you, what’s the point in trying to get a date with them anyway?
Be Funny, But Be Careful
If you’re a funny person, you probably don’t need to read this article anyway. However, if you can be funny, give it a go, but be careful. Avoid being rude or vulgar, or referencing religion or politics. Don’t make yourself out to be a jerk. Don’t make references to their physical appearance.
However, there are ways to “wind them up”, without being insulting or rude. This can help you get a good banter going, and you can really have a good time with them. For more information about doing this, look up David DeAngelo’s material on the web. If you can be cocky and funny, (and note the 50/50 balance between the two) you can have some great fun with this. It does however take some practice so don’t jump straight in with it.
Retain Your Integrity
Always be polite, confident, and considerate. It will make them appreciate you. Do not, however, be a suck up. Of course there’s a fine line but you shouldn’t give away your power to the other person. Buying them drinks all night just makes you look like you’re a pushover, and reeks of insecurity. This is quite a turnoff for women, and is just plain scary for men.
You must be your own person and be strong. If the person wants you to suck up to them and buy them drinks all night, they’re probably best avoided, as they’re likely only interested in you for that anyway. Don’t get sucked in.
Control Your Energy
This said, always be aware of the energy you are emitting. That might sound a bit new-age but it’s important to realize, we as humans can subconsciously pick up on negativity. If you’re just trying to get another notch on your bedpost, you will emit that energy, whether you realize it or not.
You must be genuinely interested in the person you’re talking to, and caring towards their feelings. Selfish energy is subconsciously blocked and you will find yourself not feeling like you’re connecting to that person. This is quite a radical concept but as you become aware of it, you will understand it more.
Making the Move
Once you have a relaxed, friend-like, genuine conversation going, and bear in mind this could just be a few sentences to break the ice, you have to make that leap. Don’t fall into the “friend trap”. You have to make it clear that you’re attracted to them as soon as possible. Remember, time is of the essence. You could pay dearly for hesitation. Just do it – push yourself out of your comfort zone – and feel that amazing rush.
So how do you ask them? Well this is pretty straight forward. Don’t beat around the bush. Just ASK! It’s up to you how you phrase the sentence but the outcome must be that you are asking them if they want to go out with you. This is the easy bit – you’ve done all the hard work now.
Rejection is Part of the Game
Bear in mind that they may say no. Don’t take it personally. Don’t give up asking people in the future. They could be saying no because they’re already in a relationship, or aren’t looking for a relationship at the present time. They could be a different sexual orientation. Or they could just not find you attractive.
If it’s the latter, don’t be disheartened. It doesn’t mean you’re not attractive, it just means you’re not attractive to that person. There’ll be someone out there who’ll love you for what you are, so just never give up trying.
They won’t say yes every time. After several years asking strangers for dates and you’ll definitely have far more rejections than acceptances. Do you give up? Of course not. Just kept trying, keep learning, and keep growing as a person.
And you’ll have a hell of a lot more fun than if you had never tried.