Surviving an Affair

Why do people have affairs?

The main reason people have affairs is because they aren’t happy in the relationship and they are too weak to face up to it. That may sound harsh, but if they were strong, they would be able to resist the temptation, and have the strength to say no to the affair.

If they were truly happy in their relationship, straying would be the last thing on their mind. If they were unhappy, then they should have the strength to end the relationship before starting an affair.

Having an affair is a weak person’s attempt to gain happiness. They don’t have the strength to face up to their partner and do the honest thing. Yes, splitting up will hurt them, but not as much as they’ll be hurt by finding out about the affair.

The desire to have an affair in the first place is proof that one is not happy. If you have this desire, you need to seriously question whether or not you are happy with your partner. If you’re not, then you must be honest with them and call it off.

Pretending to love them is not doing them or you any favors. You will just end up getting deeper into the relationship and find it harder to get out. Their hopes will get higher and higher.

You’re then stuck with a choice of two paths. Follow the first path and live your life secretly miserable, lying to your partner daily, pretending to love them, possibly finding your happiness elsewhere by having an affair, all the while depriving them of true love that someone else could provide.

The other path is where you lie to yourself, and pretend you’re happy. This will ultimately lead to misery because you can’t lie to yourself forever. Eventually you will come to severely regret all your lost time, and all the loves you’ve missed out on.

The only way to escape this situation is to be honest with both yourself and your partner, and break up. Then you will both be free to find honest romantic relationships, where true love is reflected by both partners.

What about getting back together after an affair?

People and situations change. Both parties need to be sure that they are able to live with the past infidelity. Be honest in a relationship and be honest with yourself.

Can you truly live with the knowledge that your partner had an affair? If so, then what might happen if your partner has another affair? Have you both really addressed the happiness issue and have you both done enough to fulfill each other’s wants and desires? Some people need diversity and although you may love each other fully, you or your partner may have sexual longings that cannot be fulfilled in a committed relationship. In most cases, an open relationship will not work and will only succeed in driving the relationship apart. This is mainly due to the possibility that love-attention can shift toward other sex partners and interest can diminish toward the original partner.

If your partner is the one that had the affair, find out exactly what it was that influenced your partner to seek sex outside your relationship. If it is something you can change about yourself, are you willing to change in order to keep your partner’s interest.

If you were the one that had the affair and you and your partner are willing to work on the relationship, let your partner know exactly what it was that influenced you to stray. With a little coaching and the desire to fulfill each other’s needs and desires, it is possible to become the best lovers for each other. Be supportive of each other’s short-comings and strengths, and work together to surpass and evolve the intimacy that you once shared. This may even take the help of a sex therapist or marriage counselor, but it is possible to work on your relationship together.

If your relationship has ended due to an affair of your partner, know that it was because of their issues and know that a better relationship is possible.

It may take some major readjusting being single again, so get out there and meet people again. When you’ve found a potential mate and the time is right, give enough accurate information about yourself without making it seem as if you are fishing for compliments or being an egomaniac. Telling someone you are dynamite in bed early on will probably kill your chances. If it ever gets around to sex, your new partner will realize your abilities at that time, so bragging about it up front will probably be seen as a lie to get them to be sexual with you.

You sometimes need to be strong to be honest. It’s important that you are. It’s not just someone else’s happiness at stake — it’s yours too. Constantly assess your happiness.

What if there are children involved?

We still recommend that you be a total parent to your children, regardless of how much time you will be able to spend with them. But having children is not a good excuse to stay together. If parents are good friends to each other and both can live together while having separate lives, yet still be there for their children, there is a chance that might work.

If there is still conflict between you and your partner and it comes out enough that your children see it, then that could have a detrimental affect on how they perceive relationships. Unless you are truly good friends with your partner and your children are told what the situation is and they are fully okay with you two being emotionally (and sexually) separated, it is probably better to conduct your other relationships separate from your home life.

It would be good to share your outside partner with your children so that they know about your other relationships, but we recommend that you keep your casual dating separate from your married life and do your ‘sleepovers’ separate too. If your children ask, always give them a straight answer and any honest explanation to satisfy their curiosity.

Fighting in front of children is not a very good educational base or interpersonal skills from which a child can learn. Arguing logically in front of children might help a child to learn debating skills, but once it gets emotional and illogical, then it doesn’t help a developing child’s ability to use logic while negotiating with peers and adults.

How can infidelity be prevented?

Whether it is people vying for the eye and affections of your love partner, or whether it is incompatibilities that are driving a wedge into your current relationship, there is a way that you can turn the tables and be the indisputable number one choice in the mind of your partner.

How? By out-competing everything and everyone that is in competition with you.

Being an honest, integrated thinker and a value creator while doing what you love does emanate an air of confidence from you, and subsequently increases your competitive worth from not only your perspective but also in the minds of the people around you.

Showing your partner or potential partner that you are genuinely interested in who they are and what they do in their life does increase your competitive worth from their perspective.

We all like validation from people we care about. It is a thrill to be acknowledged and admired by the people we love or to whom we are attracted. Being supportive and even getting involved in your partner’s favorite pastimes and creative efforts, whether you like his or her interests or not, will increase your competitive worth in their eyes.

Being competitive also means knowing when to make your presence known and when to bide your time on the sidelines.

The best way to be competitive is through your actions as long as you are being you and not some made-up fantasy derived from an advice column. Go the extra mile and do the extra little things that will have your potential partner noticing on their own. Confidence without the macho-ego parade will go further with people than will a front that seems fake.

Can a relationship survive an affair?

All in all, it is best to be honest about anything, including affairs, but better yet, be up-front and honest to your partner before anything like that occurs. If you cannot come to some equal ground between you two and your needs-wants are not being met in the relationship, then why stay together? If you stay together for the children’s sake, then try to remain friends so that there is no tension that can be witnessed or translated to your kids. Be open with your children and give them valid and honest reasons why your relationship is the way it is.